And that is why I am feeling content this evening. In one of the ways that is hardest for me and right at the moment I about ran away, I entered the arena today. Whew. Thanks for listening.
Sarah
I sang in church today. Like, by myself in front of everyone not just sitting in the pew singing along. Depending on who you are this may not seem like a big deal, but for me with the anxiety issues it was. It meant I had to think it would be ok for normal voiced me to perform in a ward (congregation) rife with professional vocalist. It meant that I had to walk up to the lady in charge of organizing musical numbers and stutteringly offer to perform if she "needed me at all" instead of never even mentioning I like to sing and then feeling picked on because I never got asked to perform. Then it meant a little over a week of procrastination and panic attacks over the thought of performing. All this cumulating in me deciding last night that I "hadn't put enough effort in" (aka my best wasn't good enough) and R should just perform a piano number instead of us doing the variation of the hymn we had created together. Lastly it meant me waking up this morning deciding to "just run through it once and see" and realizing how much of my heart and belief I had put into our arrangement. It meant me realizing that I wanted to be the one to sing it-- me with my soft voice in my imperfect way, even if I had to reach for the high notes.
And that is why I am feeling content this evening. In one of the ways that is hardest for me and right at the moment I about ran away, I entered the arena today. Whew. Thanks for listening. Sarah
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So I've had strep throat since Wednesday --- two thumbs way down. Having basically not been able to get off the couch for four days, I realized today these are the times I still judge myself harshly and kind of paralyze myself with the negative self-labeling. I honestly believe that the majority of other people feeling this exact pain and fatigue would be able to get up and make dinner, help with the kids, etc. So I lay there, already miserable from being sick, feeling like if I can't I'm sort of pond scum.
And there do seem to be these people in my life who've really got this "mind over matter" thing down. They'll be in serious pain or severely injured and suddenly be up doing -- saying things like, "I just decided I wasn't going to lay on that couch anymore" or "there is too much to do for me to lay around". So I find myself in a desperate attempt to not feel so bad, thinking "well, they've never been in as much pain as me" or other such nonsense. (What- I have some superpowered strep throat pain receptors?) Things that are not necessarily true or helpful. The truth may be the simple idea that Katrina brought up that we are all awesome in different ways, so maybe these people have this incredible strength to "get 'er done" despite pain or obstacles. And maybe I don't. Maybe when strep runs over me like a Mack truck I go mostly comatose and whine. And maybe I don't have to feel like a lesser person because of it. And maybe I don't need to be mad at them for being stronger than me in this area. Maybe I can be happy for them for having that really awesome ability. Maybe it's just simply all ok ... maybe. May take a while for this one to stick. Sarah |
AuthorTwo women trying to be vulnerable. We are learning that the imperfections of life are what make it wonderful and real. Here we share our thoughts, achievements, failures and anything else that comes to mind in the hopes that our honesty might help lift another. Categories
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