One of the best songs about honesty (and vulnerability). Just saying
A week ago I got the much awaited call about a dream job. I didn't get it. Just a few days before it had seemed that everything was just falling into place. The job was an amazing opportunity, I got called for an interview right away, etc., etc., -- even the potential hours wouldn't take too much time from R's studies. It all seemed so right.
Till I choked in the interview. Something about the format of the interview just threw me into all my old habits of fear and self doubt. I tried to "snap out of it" but I walked out of there with a sinking feeling. And somehow in that moment is when it hit me how much I WANTED this job. I spent the next couple days convincing myself it could still work out. They said it would be a week to get back to me, try not to panic. Then the call came -- moving forward with other candidates. I had failed.
And that was a rough few days: "My style is lame, I think I can pull these things off but I can't." "I don't know why I believed I was creative, I'll never really be successful at a creative career." I was mentally beating myself up so bad that I could barely get myself off the couch to do anything. Deep down I knew this wasn't vulnerability, this wasn't self-love and acceptance, this wasn't any of the things I am working so hard at. But I literally couldn't think of it any other way. Failing at something meant I was a failure -- the habit of connecting the two was just too strong. So I had a couple rough days and I prayed really hard.
Slowly but surely the help came. Something my mom posted on facebook, something I read, a thought to search "failure" on pinterest. Somehow He got the message to me that failure is part of life, part of trying, part of eventually succeeding. It's not the end of a journey, its a twist ( a painful, difficult twist--but a twist nonetheless). That to pick yourself up and try again was success enough sometimes.
Somewhere in this process I realized the deepest disappointment came from being my afraid-of-what-they-think self instead of the "new" vulnerability-loving me I've been working so hard at becoming over these past months. So I called and asked if they would have time to let me try again. Then I went in and did the interview again being my best me. That was an amazing difference. I walked out of there pretty sure they'd already filled the positions they needed but feeling on top of the world nonetheless because I'd been true to myself instead of being afraid.
And I wasn't a failure. I am never a failure. I am an amazing human being who sometimes must work through a failure. So are you.
In so many little ways I've been counting down for over a month to H's first birthday. Yet, in other ways it just sort of snuck up on me. Somehow it was just about a week ago that the I got super excited about transforming our bland-to-say-the-least club room into a fairy princess wonderland. Thus this week has been full of runs for supplies, late nights, a project in every corner and a lot of "should-ing":
I shouldn't care this much (but I do). I should just let this go (but it would look amazing!). I should be more focused on the kids (wait they are gluing, cutting and painting along with me and having a blast). Why can't I just stop caring so much?! I shouldn't be like this (wait what?).
In my years in childcare I learned about a "Why not? attitude." A why not? attitude meant when a child or parent came with a request to do things differently I tried to think "why not?" rather than just "no". I love using this thought as I interact with those around me. So why don't I love using it on myself?
Why not throw a last minute humongous party and love it? Why not go crazy creative and feed that wish-I-were-an-interior-decorator/party-planner-need deep inside that only gets to come out once every few years? I admit, I wouldn't want to live every week of my life going this crazy (and sleep deprived) over a party. However, when I look back on this week there is not anything I would change. So why not just love the go-crazy-about-a-fairy-party side of me?
Why not just love me?
Two women trying to be vulnerable. We are learning that the imperfections of life are what make it wonderful and real. Here we share our thoughts, achievements, failures and anything else that comes to mind in the hopes that our honesty might help lift another.