Quite honestly I spent a week or more slightly depressed over my new figure. Then I hit a radical craze of being determined to eat perfect and excercise. After a whole two days of that (I have incredible will power 😉) I remembered I've been putting chemo in my body for 7months and I don’t have energy to worry about that right now. So I hit a point of slight acceptance that this is my body for right now.
But it’s still not easy, because then my brain brings up the argument of being “healthy” — and I want that, I want to be able to run around after my kids and not get tired or have my knees ache. I don’t want my size to interfere with what I can do with and for my family. But I realized I was using this as another way to be disappointed in myself over the look of my body. Which lead me to think, what kind of “healthy” are we talking about? Because me obsessing over this is adding to feelings of depression. Shouldn’t my mental health count too? All this mental energy we spend feeling too much and not enough all because of a number on a scale or an undefined mid section — wouldn’t it be better used pursing the things we truly love? And in the end, not accepting myself makes it hard for me to be there for my kids on a different level — you know, the confident enough to break out dancing in the movie theater level — and that’s important too. That spontaneous, happy, loving life part of me is important too. In fact, it’s more important. More important that I simply love and accept myself so I can use my energy to love and care for them. I can do that exactly the way I am right now: baby weight, chemo and all.
So yes, there are lots of ways having the kids have “damaged” my body. Not just weight, but muscle disfunction, bladder control 😜, the works. But for each way they’ve “damaged” my body there are 100 ways they’ve healed my heart and soul. There are 100 ways they’ve helped me grow, given me strength, stretched me, taught me. A million ways I am better each day because of the love from each of them.
So third time postpartum and loving it (at least most the time😁).