December is crazy..for everyone. We all have too many parties to attend (or host in my case), shopping trips for presents, wrapping, or creating gifts, callings in church, etc. It's been crazy this week. And it's only Tuesday? WHAT?
So I was feeling overwhelmed. I was asked to accompany for a musical number for a Relief Society dinner this evening. I was asked on Sunday, and then Monday we practiced a few times. I have always had the talent for sight reading so I felt comfortable just trying it out. So as I drove to practice, I prayed that the song wouldn't have any sharps. I'm not comfortable with sharps. There were three...and then it transitioned to five. I kinda wanted to cry right then and there.
I muddled through the rehearsal but felt so bad because I wasn't able to play as these lovely women tried to sing. I kept thinking...okay I just need to practice. It will be okay...breathe and apologize...but don't apologize because I'm just human and I'm rusty on the piano...but ah I'm going to mess up their number and then the spirit won't be there and I will ruin EVERYTHING!!!
So upon leaving the rehearsal I raced home and practiced my heart out...slowly, one hand at a time. I felt like I was 8 again. (It's been YEARS since I've tried to learn a number) So I slowly became more frustrated with myself and more angry that I couldn't figure the song out and I didn't have time to do this because I had other things to do and that I had planned on doing. I was booked out! But thankfully, I got better and better but my anxiety started to grow and grow and I lost it. Panic attack central!
I thought surely the singers could find someone else to play the piano but then I knew I would be leaving them in the lurch and felt guilt that I didn't have it together enough to just figure the song out! But I realized that I needed to calm down and just say no...We can't do it all and for my mental health I felt like it was important to just say no.
Whew. I did it and felt so much better. A few hours ago I got a text that they couldn't find anyone else so I started freaking out again. Too much! and I thought I had gotten out of it.
Then the coolest thing happened. My mom suggested we pray together. Suddenly a tangible and real peace came over me and I felt like everything was okay. The Lord knew my concerns but also knew that I needed to do this. I was capable and I needed the confidence boost to know I could do it.
I've been practicing and practicing and each time I am getting better and more confident.
The Lord is aware of us. He knows what we need to grow, to become more humble and to help people. I'm grateful for the experience I had the past 24 hours to learn these things. We're just practicing and we'll get better every day at whatever we're struggling with.
Whew how's that for vulnerability?