And as long as I'm "confessing", this isn't a one time thing. Dealing with so much chronic pain makes me almost constantly fatigued. Also, I've noticed that sleep is often a coping technique I use when my anxiety is high. So all in all my sleep patterns resemble those of the average toddler more than those of the average adult -- regular naps and 9 to 10 hour nights.
But somehow its hard to admit out loud. I rarely admit the full truth of the situation to people and I'm fighting tears and terrified as I type it out now. Why? Well I think deep down I harbor a belief that it in someway makes me a "bad" mother and wife. As I lay there feeling the aching pain in so much of my body and hear the kids laughing with their dad I guilt-trip myself about missing "the best part" of their day.
Then today something amazing happened. I let those feelings go. I've had a lot of busy days and late nights in the past week doing different projects. I worked hard to have a fun and meaningful Easter weekend. And in the process of accomplishing all that I had elevated my pain levels. So this morning when I heard the laughter and the guilt started to creep in I reflected on all I'd pushed myself to accomplish. And for possibly the first time I was able to let the guilt go. I told myself I'd done a lot lately and this is what my body needed now -- I could be an awesome mom when I got up.
And I was! We wrestled, we played games, we fit in some yoga and did playdough. I looked in their eyes, I connected, I listened, I laughed -- I was there for them. So often I feel that these weakness' of my body are the problem, but I realized today the bigger problem is my non-acceptance of my weakness. The guilt-trips and anger are so counter-productive. Letting all that go today gave me the gift of a great day despite a slow start.
I believe the super-mom complex in our society is real. It always seems there is some awesome mom out there doing "it all". Well, I like to believe that everyone is a real person with real struggles who appreciates realness in others. Even those who seem to "have it all" or "do it all" are only human. As a mom who will spend my children's life dealing with chronic pain and mental health struggles I've had to accept over and over again that I will never be that kind of "super-mom". But I can be real and I can be me and I can try my darndest. And hopefully someday when they have that morning where it is soo hard to get out of bed they will have learned from me that sometimes the rough mornings can lead into great days.