Till I choked in the interview. Something about the format of the interview just threw me into all my old habits of fear and self doubt. I tried to "snap out of it" but I walked out of there with a sinking feeling. And somehow in that moment is when it hit me how much I WANTED this job. I spent the next couple days convincing myself it could still work out. They said it would be a week to get back to me, try not to panic. Then the call came -- moving forward with other candidates. I had failed.
And that was a rough few days: "My style is lame, I think I can pull these things off but I can't." "I don't know why I believed I was creative, I'll never really be successful at a creative career." I was mentally beating myself up so bad that I could barely get myself off the couch to do anything. Deep down I knew this wasn't vulnerability, this wasn't self-love and acceptance, this wasn't any of the things I am working so hard at. But I literally couldn't think of it any other way. Failing at something meant I was a failure -- the habit of connecting the two was just too strong. So I had a couple rough days and I prayed really hard.
Slowly but surely the help came. Something my mom posted on facebook, something I read, a thought to search "failure" on pinterest. Somehow He got the message to me that failure is part of life, part of trying, part of eventually succeeding. It's not the end of a journey, its a twist ( a painful, difficult twist--but a twist nonetheless). That to pick yourself up and try again was success enough sometimes.
Somewhere in this process I realized the deepest disappointment came from being my afraid-of-what-they-think self instead of the "new" vulnerability-loving me I've been working so hard at becoming over these past months. So I called and asked if they would have time to let me try again. Then I went in and did the interview again being my best me. That was an amazing difference. I walked out of there pretty sure they'd already filled the positions they needed but feeling on top of the world nonetheless because I'd been true to myself instead of being afraid.
And I wasn't a failure. I am never a failure. I am an amazing human being who sometimes must work through a failure. So are you.