I will miss my bangs
And now as I've had a month more of processing, I've realized for me there are sort of layers of consciousness about it all. The outermost that dominates most the time is this feeling to just take it one step at a time: when is the next appointment? what will that procedure be? How do I need to prep for that? What one small thing would I like to get done tomorrow if I have the energy? Somehow it's been easier to treat myself with grace and accept the need to relax and lay still. And to remember that at this point the doctors are using the word "curable" a lot.
Then there is a layer deeper -- a voice that comes mostly as I lay trying to fall asleep at night that anxiously whispers unhelpful things like, "what if I don't get to see my children grow up? what if I don't get to be here?"
And then another voice comes from even deeper than that, from the deepest core of my heart -- the part I believe is most connected to my God and I feel there in that deepest part a strength. From there I feel a whisper stronger than the fears that says "in my own quiet way I am strong enough to make it through this." Then I know somehow it will all be ok. And I know I won't be doing it alone.
So to the many of you who have asked "how are you handling all this?" that is my answer for now. I'm handling it ok and in waves and with tons of help. And to the many of you who will be hearing this news for the first time, thanks in advance for your prayers and hope that help add to that inner strength I'm relying so heavily on these days.